Death of Auto-tunes!

So, being the starving artist poster boy asshole that I am, I find myself going without certain things from time to time. Things that all of us, myself included, usually take for granted. For the last three months or so, the main thing I have been deprived of was my truck. With this lack of wheels scenario in full force, I had to depend on the kindness of others (mostly my very enthusiastic-about-the-situation, roommate) or my own two legs for transportation. It wasn't all that terrible since I definitely needed the exercise, and the fact that there's nothing better than waking my roommate up in the morning, 10 minutes before I need to be at work with a cringe-worthy, "Hey, can I catch a lift, man?" He always grunts out an annoyed "Go fuck yourself... What time is it?... (and eventually) Fine," and then we're off. It sucks for him, but it's one of the fantastic parts of the writer/artist/music mogul/movie producer/entrepreneur path that we've both decided to take. There will be many bumps in the road whether I'm driving or hoofing it.

Well, today my Dad helped me get my truck seaworthy again, so now I have the means to get from point A to point B again, (however reliable that means actually is, is another matter completely). So about twenty minutes ago I was driving down the road in almost complete silence...

For story clarification purposes: One of the other things I've been living without lately, even before my truck's latest in a long series of bi-monthly breakdowns, was my radio. For anyone that's ever driven around for an extended period of time with no tunes, understands how completely fucking boring that is. I mean, at first its okay. You have the opportunity to get in touch with nature again, (as in nature I mean the squirrel you would have splattered while screwing around with the radio buttons or the infinitely precious moment where the guy next to you goes finger-spelunking in his nostril for the entire duration of the red light). You can actually listen to the person on the other side of the cell phone bitch about their own shitty life, (great if you have a girlfriend, because as a dude, we all know how engaged we really are in the crapfest-extravaganza recap of their day. In radio silence mode it's hard to get distracted from that awesome conversation by one of those stroke or heart attack commercials that pop on the radio every eight minutes these days, or the announcement that ladies and Anglican ministers get in free before 11 at the Stinky Pink Lounge tonight.) But the #1 bestest ever thing about not having a radio, is that you get plenty of time to practice your A cappella skills!

Now, back to the moment at hand. So there I was, cruising down the street in my newly resuscitated ride when I suddenly found myself in mid-song of the Aladdin anthem, Prince Ali. I mean, I was really belting it out. The saddest part is, I know like maybe three words of that entire song, and I can say with almost 100% clarity that those three words are probably wrong. During my exile from sitting on the drivers side of the soundless truck, I had forgotten that I had the habit of doing this. It took maybe about two miles of asphalt to pass under my tires for me to zone out and break out out into a ridiculous Disney song. Even sadder, was that I was pretty far into my butchered rendition of the Disney classic before I even realized I was doing it. So what did I do when I came to my senses? Sure, I stopped for a moment out of the embarrassment factor alone but then I started to critique how shitty the singing was... OUT LOUD... to no one in particular... and then, also to no one in particular, professed that I could probably do better... but thinking that discretion was the better part of valor in this case, I decided against it... again, all OUT LOUD.

So as I drove the last mile or so to my current destination (which apparently should be a nuthouse of some sort), of course I zoned out again. When I pulled to a complete stop in the parking space, the sudden, abrupt halting-motion jarred me out of my trance and back into reality, spitting me up right into the middle of my distorted, baritone rendition of the line:  'Prince Ali, Alias He Ali-a-Bab-wa!' (I still have no idea what the hell the words actually are but apparently the auto-pilot mode of my brain doesn't seem to care too much about those details).
Damn, I need to fix my radio....

Am I the only one that does this?

Aquaman is a Straight Up Badass!

For decades, Aquaman has received the short end of the stick when it comes to recognition among the Super Hero community. Sure the big guns, Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, and Green Lantern are alright, but compared to apparently nobody's favorite unappreciated, underwater afterthought, they're really just headline stealing glory-hounds. Don't be so shocked at the realization that you've been duped all along and that these clowns were the ones putting in all the work for the Justice League.

Let's just take a look at the facts. Superman, Batman, the Flash and all the rest pretty much handle one city apiece. That's it! Just 1 city! And some of these guys can fly! Batman is the worst offender of them all; he only works at night!

Now Aquaman is a stand-up guy compared to the other slackers. The ocean covers roughly 75% of the globe. That's Aquaman's jurisdiction! And he's got that junk on lock, baby! I mean, how many times has an evil army of walrus-men invaded the coast? Like maybe two or three times, tops! On the other hand, every other week, some radioactive monster out of Metropolis is tearing up the country! Why? Because Superman's busy trying to fly around looking cool in his flashy blue and red tights. Meanwhile, Aquaman is on his grind handling his business. But I guess all people want to talk about is the disasters that Superdork cleans up after his negligence led to them!

An even more glaring detail regarding Superman and Aquaman's lopsided popularity and recognition is that Lois Lane writes all of his damn press clippings! No wonder everyone thinks he's so great, you'd look pretty awesome too if your wife spin-doctored all the headlines about you!

And ever wonder why Aquaman's books always get cancelled? It's because he takes out the bad guy, rescues the chick, and saves the world and that's it! Problem solved. There's no more story because he actually handles his business. Unlike Batman, who's book runs on forever because of Gotham's completely inept penal system that somehow let's the Joker escape from prison every three days and go on a city-wide killing spree. They ain't ever gonna clean up that town, Bruce Wayne probably owns all the construction companies that build those shoddy jail cells making sure Batman stays busy for all time. I mean, Wayne probably rigs all the elections to get the candidates elected that are soft as wet toilet paper on crime. How the hell hasn't the Joker got the gas chamber yet?

Well that type of shit don't go down in Atlantis, because once the King of the Sea catches the crooks, he puts them under the jail! Black Manta and Ocean Master stay locked up for a good decade or so every time, well, until someone digs them up to retell Aquaman's origin again for a relaunch.

But Aquaman wouldn't want me blowing him up like this. He's pretty humble. Way more selfless than the other costumed crumbs. He doesn't care who or what he saves. Each and every denizen of the sea is under his protection. He won't hesitate to help out a porpoise with a tummy ache or a depressed whale stranded out on the beach. He's not above that sort of thing.

Sure he may miss a Justice League meeting from time to time to pull a six-pack ring off an otter's neck. That's important to him, not some pointless debate about who should be the 28th reserve member of the Justice League this month.

And how about Aquaman's versatility in style? He can do it all! He can rock the blonde version of the Superman spit curl doo, the long, shaggy hippie hair with the regal, kingly beard combo, even a spikey mullet for the late 80's. The guy just know what it means to look good!

His choice of wetsuit colors are awesome too! Orange and green! He is a one man political billboard between English Protestants and Irish Catholics in the U.K. (And he's been doing it since the 50's!) There are just so many layers to this dude!

Some people complain about his less than approachable personality. But hell, look at how much he has on his mind. Plus, you got to give it to him for not drilling the Wonder Twins in the head with razor sharp starfish or sending a school of Piranhas after Marvin and Wendy during his Superfriends days. It took Gandhi-like restraint to keep from going ape-shit on those annoying losers! He's not such a bad guy.  He even took that completely tasteless Family Guy Parody in stride. He said it was pretty funny.

So the next time you go popping off at the gills at how bad Aquaman sucks, take a moment to think about not having to salute the flag of an evil mutant octopus army because it took over the planet and enslaved humanity. That's right, someone already took care of that, just nobody read about it in the Daily Planet. Superman was cutting a ribbon to open up a new mall in Smallville that day.

Tipping 101 for Dummies

Tipping in restaurants and bars is nothing new but there are some awesome people out there that either have never heard of it or just ignore it completely. For those of you that ignore it, please tell your server or bartender about your policy in advance so that they can give you the appropriate service in proportion to your generosity.You are pretty much scum. But we will get back to that later.

For those of you in the ignorant group that have never encountered such a new age concept as tipping, let me help you out. First the basics. A tip is the money you give a server or bartender that has had to deal with you during the duration of your visit to an eating or drinking establishment. It is not usually included in the bill, so you have total control over how much or how little you give your server. An appropriate tip amount for standard or average service is %15. It's been that way for awhile now so don't try and pull the excuse that you thought it was 10% or lower because you've probably been in a restaurant since 1976. That excuse doesn't fly.

So how does one come to the magic number of 15%. Well get out your scratch paper and a calculator. Here's an example of how to do it: If your bill is say $32.55, round that number to 33. 10% of 33 is 3.3. Then take that number (3.3) and double it. That comes out to 6.6. If you're keeping up that means that 20% of 33 is 6.6. So 15% is somewhere in the middle of 3.3 and 6.6. Now that part of the process is where it gets tricky but you can do it! Just estimate and you should be fine. 4.95 is the actual answer but if you thought to yourself its probably around 5 then you will end up alright. So about 15% of $32.55 is roughly $5. Did you see what I did right there? Pretty neat and fun! It's kind of like a game!

If that last part was too tough then just go ahead and always tip at 20% or more, even if the service is less than satifactory. Don't complain about having to do that because if you really think about it, as poorly a job that you think your server or bartender doing, it is nothing compared to you having been the worst possible customer a restaurant can have for a very, very long time. You've screwed over so many people because of your lack of knowledge. It's about time for you to make up for being such a dirtbag.

But you say, "I can't afford both the food and the tip."  Well that's just too bad. Have some class. Don't be the scum of the earth you have always been. You're better than that. Just eat at McDonald's or go to the grocery store and cook for yourself. What you are essentially paying for at a restaurant or bar is not just the product you are consuming but also the service provided for you. Even if it is terrible or slow you are still sitting down and people are bringing you food and drinks. You don't have to do anything but pay. That doesn't sound too bad to me.

Here's a fun fact for you: Servers in GA make $2.13/hr and a lot of that is yanked out in taxes. That means they are dependent on your tips to survive. Everyone has had a server or bartender in the family and they probably worked  pretty hard for the little money they made so most of you should understand a little about what's going on here.

But knowing that and still not tipping means you probably don't have any major issues with the idea of slavery, because that's just what you done. You have turned that server or bartender into your slave through trickery, by tricking them into believing that you were a good person. That's right, I'm calling you, the person who doesn't tip, a bad person. Even if your great in every other way, when it comes to eating out, you are scum. (Told you I'd get back to it.) The lowest of the low.

If you could hear the things your server or bartender says about you when they go in the back, you would think that you must be a rapist or child molester. And for the next 10-15 minutes you might as well be. Pretty much everyone else working at the place agrees with your server's opinion or at least says some equally messed up stuff about you because they also have been screwed over before, probably that very night. At this point your server wants to kick your ass and God help you or your food if you come back to that establishment and that server or bartender happens to remember you. They probably won't but that a fair warning. We've all heard stories.

Either way, you deserve what happens especially after reading this. Ignorance, cheapness, or brokeness are no longer valid excuses. You know the deal. Sure we've went over a lot of complex stuff, but if you can't do the math to give an appropriate tip just find a 12 year old to help you out. If you don't have the money to tip, just don't eat out. That's it. Any other reason you have for not tipping means you are pretty much scum. Plain and simple.

Intro blog son!

This is my second attempt at a blog. The first failed miserably after 2 posts in a little over a year. This time it will be different!!! I can do this! I don't know what I'll talk about and that's probably a good thing. I don't really know how to blog either. So, I'm a comic artist, fantasy writer, webcomic creator, hip hop mogul,and a bartender (My day job that I haven't quite quit just yet). I like sports, movies yada yada yada. Nevermind hehe, you'll find out what i like and dislike through my blog right?
Here is my website:  Lunar Works Productions





Lunar Works Website