Aquaman is a Straight Up Badass!

For decades, Aquaman has received the short end of the stick when it comes to recognition among the Super Hero community. Sure the big guns, Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman, and Green Lantern are alright, but compared to apparently nobody's favorite unappreciated, underwater afterthought, they're really just headline stealing glory-hounds. Don't be so shocked at the realization that you've been duped all along and that these clowns were the ones putting in all the work for the Justice League.

Let's just take a look at the facts. Superman, Batman, the Flash and all the rest pretty much handle one city apiece. That's it! Just 1 city! And some of these guys can fly! Batman is the worst offender of them all; he only works at night!

Now Aquaman is a stand-up guy compared to the other slackers. The ocean covers roughly 75% of the globe. That's Aquaman's jurisdiction! And he's got that junk on lock, baby! I mean, how many times has an evil army of walrus-men invaded the coast? Like maybe two or three times, tops! On the other hand, every other week, some radioactive monster out of Metropolis is tearing up the country! Why? Because Superman's busy trying to fly around looking cool in his flashy blue and red tights. Meanwhile, Aquaman is on his grind handling his business. But I guess all people want to talk about is the disasters that Superdork cleans up after his negligence led to them!

An even more glaring detail regarding Superman and Aquaman's lopsided popularity and recognition is that Lois Lane writes all of his damn press clippings! No wonder everyone thinks he's so great, you'd look pretty awesome too if your wife spin-doctored all the headlines about you!

And ever wonder why Aquaman's books always get cancelled? It's because he takes out the bad guy, rescues the chick, and saves the world and that's it! Problem solved. There's no more story because he actually handles his business. Unlike Batman, who's book runs on forever because of Gotham's completely inept penal system that somehow let's the Joker escape from prison every three days and go on a city-wide killing spree. They ain't ever gonna clean up that town, Bruce Wayne probably owns all the construction companies that build those shoddy jail cells making sure Batman stays busy for all time. I mean, Wayne probably rigs all the elections to get the candidates elected that are soft as wet toilet paper on crime. How the hell hasn't the Joker got the gas chamber yet?

Well that type of shit don't go down in Atlantis, because once the King of the Sea catches the crooks, he puts them under the jail! Black Manta and Ocean Master stay locked up for a good decade or so every time, well, until someone digs them up to retell Aquaman's origin again for a relaunch.

But Aquaman wouldn't want me blowing him up like this. He's pretty humble. Way more selfless than the other costumed crumbs. He doesn't care who or what he saves. Each and every denizen of the sea is under his protection. He won't hesitate to help out a porpoise with a tummy ache or a depressed whale stranded out on the beach. He's not above that sort of thing.

Sure he may miss a Justice League meeting from time to time to pull a six-pack ring off an otter's neck. That's important to him, not some pointless debate about who should be the 28th reserve member of the Justice League this month.

And how about Aquaman's versatility in style? He can do it all! He can rock the blonde version of the Superman spit curl doo, the long, shaggy hippie hair with the regal, kingly beard combo, even a spikey mullet for the late 80's. The guy just know what it means to look good!

His choice of wetsuit colors are awesome too! Orange and green! He is a one man political billboard between English Protestants and Irish Catholics in the U.K. (And he's been doing it since the 50's!) There are just so many layers to this dude!

Some people complain about his less than approachable personality. But hell, look at how much he has on his mind. Plus, you got to give it to him for not drilling the Wonder Twins in the head with razor sharp starfish or sending a school of Piranhas after Marvin and Wendy during his Superfriends days. It took Gandhi-like restraint to keep from going ape-shit on those annoying losers! He's not such a bad guy.  He even took that completely tasteless Family Guy Parody in stride. He said it was pretty funny.

So the next time you go popping off at the gills at how bad Aquaman sucks, take a moment to think about not having to salute the flag of an evil mutant octopus army because it took over the planet and enslaved humanity. That's right, someone already took care of that, just nobody read about it in the Daily Planet. Superman was cutting a ribbon to open up a new mall in Smallville that day.